I have blogged this month about our family motto: Help, Teach, Protect (Please consider catching up with those and returning to this blog).
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Today, as we discuss the final part of the triad, Protect, I explore and discuss how to teach ourselves and our children to protect themselves and those they love...from internal attacks. We must teach our children to be internally growing in strength. The world is going to try to keep us in the shallow and superficial. The world values simple outcomes and profits, not internal wholeness. We may have lots to say to our kids about being kind to themselves, but this must be taught by example. We must do the work the hard inner work is the only way. For a guide to some of that internal work, you might consult the Many Roles Matrix and do your own work first before trying to correct the course with your children. But it is more realistic to simply be humble, talk often with your children about your inner work, and grow right along with them.
An Apparent Contradiction
You would think that the toughest attacks come from the outside, but my experience says the opposite. The internal attacks involve the toughest areas to protect: Mind, Soul, and Feelings. There are plenty of classes in martial arts and other ways to protect the body. And that makes sense because if you workout, clothe, or otherwise protect your physical body, it is obvious, and relatively quick, and almost instant results occur. The internal is a whole 'nother beast altogether. We are more alone internally, and more vulnerable there. When we don't protect our purposes, our pleasure, connections with people, we suffer great pain. We can grow in this and raise our children to live better than we were raised. When don't learn how to fight the internal attacks, and the pain follows, we most often turn to idols, medication, and distraction. But we may look very well dressed, in shape, and beautiful in the world's eyes. We need to do the inner work to truly protect ourselves, and I believe we need God's help to do this. We just can't do it all. Not even half of it.
Complexity and Getting Started
Our internal worlds are so complex, where do we begin?
Well, what do you think of when you think of internal attack? Microbes, stomach flu? Depression? There is a battle happening in this world, and it is often undetected.
Here's an example: We don’t realize how addicted to screen time we are until our phone breaks and we are waiting for the replacement to arrive. In this case, the attack on our purposes and patience--we are attached to our devices.
Another example: We want to confront or at least acknowledge that a co-worker is being horrible or annoying, and our stomach turns as we prep and rehearse the talk, or worse yet, we clench our teeth fantasizing about telling him or her off. Oh, how we relish the idea of complete annihilation of our enemies, but we don’t realize… That’s an attack on our soul, that desire to destroy another person for vengeance’s sake. It’s an attack from within.
James writes in the New Testament, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (James 4:1-3). Whoa. Go back and reread that really slowly. Your desires are at war, a civil war within you. And not getting what you want? It’s driving you mad. We will never be satisfied until we desire those for which and for whom we were designed. I know that was grammatically dense, but think about it-- we were designed for purposes and for people and for pleasure, but not simply our own purposes, pleasure and people. God himself would love to direct and mentor and guide our desires for purpose, pleasure and personal relationships. He will not control but is happy to advise us.
God made us for lots of reasons (purposes), joy (pleasure), and people. When we are a walking civil war, those purposes, pleasures, and people are not in alignment with our Creator. And insanity ensues. So let’s do this differently. Let’s ask God: “For what purposes have you created me? What are the things I love to do, that truly build me up, and sometimes others? What are those pure joys in my life? What are some of the most beautiful things I can think of?” What a prayer! I believe God will answer those prayers, and soon.
Attacks Against Our Purposes
Some would say our purpose is to know God and make God known to others. Others would say our purposes are to love God with all we have and to love others with the same love and attention we give ourselves.
To protect our purposes, we should read scriptures, talk to older men and women, and set aside some stillness to ask God simply about our purposes. Plural. We are not simply to love others, or God, or a hobby. Our father is so good, he wouldn’t limit our purposes to a couple of sweeping pie in the sky types of purposes. He is all about the epic AND the intimate (For more on this, read this blog by John Eldredge). I believe God wants us to rescue someone from death at least once in our life, do something epic like a cross country road trip, or 15 minutes of wild fame. The Father also wants us to live out intimate small purposes, like serving an elderly neighbor, or quietly giving to a charity for decades, or just speak a word of belief into the heart of a child growing up in a broken home. We were made with purpose, and we would do well to explore our purposes, both epic and intimate with our companion, our Creator.
With this in mind, plan some epic adventures with your children, and for yourself, like river rafting, or an epic summer road trip, or a vacation to an all-inclusive resort, or a mission trip to a third world country. YouTube and all the major streaming media platforms specialize in this, from cable shows about home renovations to cars being fixed up from being junkers there is now an extreme version of everything. We don't need an epic amount of the epic, but we do need some awesome memories, and wisdom in our lives. Our kids do not need to stay up late and consume mass quantities of media, but they do need to get tastes of adventures offered by Star Wars movies and shows, epic sporting events like the XGames, and other famous movies and events. Those events and movies touch the limitless and amazing in us, and we need wonder. We do NOT need to overdo wonder. Our whole life is work to balance the epic and the intimate. Let's not overdo one or the other. Let's grow in wisdom.
At the same time we plan and pursue some of the epic, we must live in and invest in intimate, simple purposes, like learning to play an instrument, building another income stream for retirement, practicing mindfulness, planting a garden, watching your dog play without any distractions, or taking regular walks. Learning another language, giving folks compliments on jobs well done, and simply telling your family members why you love them each day in a text or in person are other intimate ways to live in your purposes.
Attacks Against Our Pleasure
What does the word "pleasure" bring to mind? Relief? Ecstasy? Excess? Something R-rated? Does it really bring joy to your mind? Do you associate God with pleasure? Why or why not? We were physically designed to enjoy pleasure. Moms get a huge hit of oxytocin when they hold their newborn for the first time. If you have ever enjoyed sex, you know what pleasure is. That is based on visual, tactile, and auditory stimuli, along with heaps of chemicals and our design (part of our design is to procreate). What about the feel of an ice-cold drink after working for hours in the sun? Pure pleasure, baby. We were made, in part, to enjoy pleasure. Not to need it, not to idolize it, but certainly, it feels like the stars are all in alignment when we feel pleasure. Come on, now, does it not feel great to sit down on the toilet and relieve yourself? Or, better yet, guys, to pee in the woods during a long hike? To purge all the stuff in the garage, to mow the lawn and step back admiring your work, to cook a great meal... all of it is pure pleasure; the joy of a job well done is pleasure of the highest order. God the Father programmed us to enjoy some pleasure and to relish it. Thus, it is fleeting, lest it replaces him. We also have tolerance, which dulls the pleasure of many of the best things in life. So to a point, pleasure is simply wonderful, but it is not our idol. When we need it, demand it, or scheme consistently to get it, we are sliding away quickly from our design, and a battle begins internally. Consider reading Addiction and Grace by Gerald May. It is a wonderful, readable balance of spiritual and physical truth about how we are designed to enjoy, not need, pleasure.
If we are going to fight well the internal attack against our connection to pleasure, we need balance, equilibrium, presence, whatever you might call it. We need joy and pleasure without addiction. Desire becomes an internal civil war when we kill pleasure or overindulge it. So living in our purposes will help, living with a balance of epic and intimate pleasure is critical as we have already covered, but so will living in health connection with people. We must grow in teaching ourselves and our children to live well with their purposes, pleasure and other people. Join me in a couple of days as we discuss the attacks on our connections with people. Please pause now and consider commenting on this blog's content, or journal how you might protect your own purposes and pleasure.
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