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Let's continue the Top 10 Routines to Connect with Our Kids:
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| Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash |
5. Constant reminders of the family motto
In my family's case, the motto is: Help, Teach, Protect. That's what I would like my boys to focus on, so we have a routine of tying our conversations, discipline, and correction back to our motto. Help means to make things easier, even if you don't want to. I taught my boys I expect them to help, but they don't always have to like it initially. I taught them they can say, "I don't want to, but I will." Teach means to be a good example, and older siblings need to direct their focus to help the younger, rather than criticizing or looking down on them. We are always teaching, I remind my boys, so let us teach others well. And, let's teach ourselves, too, via curiosity. Protect is the opposite of hitting and hurting with our hands and words. Wrestling is fine to develop technique and strength, but hitting, punching, and kicking are totally out of line in our house. The motto we created was an effort to direct our boys' high energy without saying, "no" "quit it" or "stop it." This is a subtle but very empowering shift I will write more about in the future. I hope you have or build a family motto that captures what you want your children to know, understand, and do consistently. I haven't turned ours into a crest, but am looking into it, and our kids could come up with a crest if they are artistically inclined.
4. What's poppin' conversation
This started recently, after hearing a story from our Youth and Family Minister about how his dad read a chapter of Psalms or Proverbs with him every morning before school, from about age 8 through high school. We do it in two different ways:
The first way, we sit on the couch after dinner and read a chapter of Proverbs (the chapter that matches the date--1st chapter for the 1st of November, etc.) or Psalms, and the only guiding question is, "What's poppin'?" Meaning what is hitting you, and why. The only other routine/rule here is that we don't talk in the hypothetical, or using the vague "we" (We need to try harder to be patient, use kind words at home) we talk using I messages. For example, when reading Proverbs 12:1 (Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid), I share something like, "Ooh, this hits me because I hate it when I get corrective feedback at work, and I instantly get mad (even if I don't show it), or want to rationalize that I'm right, or I think the giver of the feedback is a yahoo." Note: you can screencast the Bible on your phone to your Apple TV, Fire Stick, Chromecast and prevent distraction by asking for all eyes on the TV, and all other devices to be stowed away.
The second way, we sit on the couch after dinner and just one person shares one verse from the bible or one thought that will help us get along better as a family. We recently shared (again, first-person sharing, no hiding in the vague "we") James 1:19 is a doozy: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." This was a slam dunk conversation: which do you need to work on: Quick to listen, slow to speak, or slow to become angry? (and if time and/or attention permits: Which are you good at?)
3. Normalize listening to great Christian music on Amazon Music, YouTube, and elsewhere
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| Svyatoslav Romanov on Unsplash |
There is a lot of media that is not aligned with our family motto of help, teach, and protect. And, when I was younger, the Christian music scene was limited and so sappy it was a major turn off. Now there is a Christian version of many genres of music, and some of it, like Jonathan Ogden's music, I thoroughly enjoy. My idea here is to make it strange to listen to music that objectifies women or makes sex cheap and easy. As it becomes normal, there are great discussion possibilities regarding what is popular, what the messages are in the music, and why we agree with or don't agree with the messages behind the music.
A Worship Faves Playlist on YouTube
Amen Worldwide channel on YouTube
2. "Proverbs of the Date" in the car
Similar to the "What's Poppin'" idea above, this is all about maximizing the 20-minute drive I have when I take my son to school. We let the Bible app play the chapter of proverbs that is the same as the date today. After listening to the chapter of the day on the Bible app we talk about what's poppin'. This is a great way to talk about something practical, what wisdom means, and who at school exemplifies wisdom or folly, and I get to share stories of my recent past and more distant memories of good and bad choices. We say a brief prayer or just one of us prays briefly for my son, his teachers, and a couple other quick issues on our hearts, and he's out the door to school
Drum, roll, please... The number 1 way to connect with your child is...
1. Apologize fully
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| Matthew Henry on Unsplash |
This is top of the list because it is so critical, crucial, and powerful as a relationship skill. As the father, I must teach our children to apologize fully, with humility, and we have to emphasize that an apology requires asking for forgiveness. As a husband and a father, it is crucial that my sons see me apologizing to their mother, and vice versa. There is a related conversation I've had and recommend that you have in this context about modeling and teaching our children to forgive others just like we ourselves would like to be forgiven. Such a central principle in relationships! This isn't one you can plan for, so the adventure factor goes up here. But keep your eyes open... as you know, there are daily opportunities to model and receive forgiveness. Here are the three steps for apologizing fully I learned in marriage counseling almost 18 years ago (!) from some wonderful, seasons saints in the faith, Al and Gloria Baird:
1. Say "I'm Sorry" after you feel bad/understand more of what happened to the other
2. Say, "I was wrong when I _[whatever I did]_"
3. Say, "Please forgive me." Then wait. Let the other person just sit with your apology. It's also hard to forgive, even when someone is humble... This isn't a script, it's an attempt to teach our kids how the human heart works. When we are hurt or offended, it takes work to be ready to forgive. We want justice. Now. And, I've found, I often live in my own head thinking about other's reasons for hurting me, or I answer in my mind as people apologize to me. This is life-long work, to be present and both give and receive the blessing that is a heartfelt apology.
Step three is the zinger for me. And I think it is for most folks. Asking, "Will you please forgive me?" is almost the scariest, most vulnerable act in a relationship. If we are in the right spot, we know we've really hurt the other. And we are risking rejection after we apologize. Whew. Take a deep breath and do it. Practice. We must teach our kids compassion (suffering with others), empathy (noticing and honoring other's feelings without fixing them), and humility (being willing to let another be right, tell their story, or safely reflect your faults back to you). There is no better way than teaching them to apologize from the heart. So the script above is a script, but please don't impose it nor implement it without some serious conversation. The teaching about an apology can't come in the heat of the moment. It has to be a lesson, a walk, or a car conversation. And kids learn to offer up a bratty "Sorry" quicker than they can smash a bug just by being around other kids. Note that there is almost no quicker way to turn a kid off to apologies and humbling themselves than ordering them in frustration to "Apologize to your brother right NOW!" If you have to demand it, then your children haven't learned it, or you are expecting it too soon. Either way, patience and (re)teaching is required. I will say this: There are not many moments more humbling, beautiful, or proud than the moment you witness your child offering a genuine apology. When our kids take responsibility, say sorry and ask for forgiveness... whew... I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it. Let's bring more of that forth in the world!
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