Dad: Top 10 Ways to Connect with Our Kids

A family connecting during a sunset
Mike Scheid on Unsplash

This week I'm continuing the focus on our Father role.  

Our brains are wired for connection.  We know when we are left out, and we feel shame when we are not connected or included.  Ever been picked last for the recess soccer game?  Well, it stinks, so let's build better connections more consistently.  This week, I'm sharing what has worked well to focus my sons' attention at home, help them to be helpful, and generally what works best in my fathering two very different boys. So here are my top 10 ideas to build a routine of connection with our kids.

10. Phones forward

This is a simple rule: that we are not on phones in the car.  Car time is time to look around, observe, ask questions, and have conversations. This is a blessing and a curse because we can never seem to get through a song before another conversation arises, but it's worth allowing the boys to talk freely.  We have to be careful we don't lecture, and we are not perfect at this, but we do enjoy connecting most of the time.  There is something wonderful and powerful about seeing all the devices pile up in the center console as we pull out of our neighborhood.  That pile of devices is a sign of our commitment, and a reason to be proud of our resistance to the "easy, everywhere" tech vortex (see Andy Crouch's Tech-Wise Family for more)

9. Walks

A mother and girl take a walk to connect among the trees
James Wheeler on Unsplash

Walks automatically do several things: They get my heart rates up, which is needed in the age of remote learning, they allow us to get Chacha the dog's energy out, and allow for very organic conversations while preventing tech use.  Oh yes, and...There is real pleasure in a fall walk with one or both of my sons, or all four of us walking, even if only for 15 minutes.  Sometimes I will linger back and feel gratitude for my fam.  There are different smells, sights, and patterns to notice, neighbors to wave to, and everyone wins.  Sometimes my boys choose to run to the next stopping point or turn around point.  Walks are a simple pleasure, and so needed in this wild unforgettable year. And finally, even if the resistance is strong at the suggestion of the walk at first, no one is complaining when we return.

8. Dinner questions

A couple of years ago, we noticed some serious wiggles at the dinner table and being the chatty guy, and my wife being a speech-language pathologist, we decided to implement a game to simply practice asking questions of every other person at the table.  The questions had to begin with Why...? or How...? and had to be followed up with one more question.  This took coaching, and we varied the setup:  sometimes one person would ask the other family members the question and the follow up (a total of 4 questions and 4 follow-ups), other times it was more extended, and each of the four of us put forth a question that all of us answered (16 questions!)  I have gotten several compliments on how my sons are able to engage in actual conversations with adults, not just be polite.  This diminished greatly all of the wiggles, and open-ended questions led to stories, and interest, even if dinner was finished.  It is worth noting here, this tradition was supported by homemade food, and the rhythm we strove for as a family, and was tough.. My wife is incredible at cooking, and working a full-time job while still running most of the home operations.  So we do our best to support her, and we rotate the clean up after dinner.  Finally, it is so critical to teach three-year-olds to WAIT.  Meaning, wait for the pause in the conversation, don't constantly insert yourself into conversations, and share the spotlight.  If your thought is so important and worthwhile, you will remember it.  If your child constantly interrupts you, or others, play this game and insist that they listen more than they speak, and practice patience, building this routine over time.  I also highly recommend this box of questions called Tabletopics.  This became my youngest son's obsession for a while, and he put the question of the night right next to my fork as part of his duty to set the table.  We all answered the question, and it was quick and enjoyable.  When we finished with all the questions we traded with a friend who had a different set.

7. Dinner Table Joke Workshop

Laughter is a sign of connection
Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Later, the conversations morphed for a while into workshopping jokes from the setup to the punchline, followed by reality tv-style feedback, or the other way around, working backward from the punchline to the best set up.  To see what we came up with, click HERE.  This an excellent game for growing language, intelligence, and unpacking why things are witty or funny, and if someone writes down the jokes, you have years of memories.  You may produce inspire a comedian!

6. Yearly father-son campouts

A father connects with his sons for a silly photo by a mountain lake
The famous "noot noot" selfie
Since 2011, nearly every year, I've taken my boys on an annual father-son campout with other dads and their sons from our spiritual community. What a blast.  I will post when it's coming on the blog next summer.  But it is simply boy heaven 2-3 days of bike riding, staying up late, playing with walkie-talkies in the mountains, and just connection time with other boys, and between fathers and sons.  There are firelight talks, Sunday worship moments, but essentially it's the freedom to roam, whittle sticks, fish, and go to bed dirty, and a welcome break for my wife to get some "me time".  This can be just dad and his kids, or several.  The point is to maintain the tradition, keep your packing list from the previous year, or use this one and make a copy to customize...and just do it.  Remember to call ahead... set a reminder on your phone for New Year's Day save a spot on June 1.  Most campsites will allow you to reserve your spot up to 6 months in advance, so set an alarm or calendar appointment on your phone with multiple alarms so that you see it through!

I think I'm going to save the other half of the top 10 list for Friday this week. Ha!  Stay tuned for more, and please comment: What was helpful to you? Or, what are some of your stories and routines?

Thank you so much for reading.  More blog content Mondays and Wednesdays, new podcasts Fridays.  Follow @maninmanyroles on Twitter.  Subscribe to email notifications using the button at the top of this page. Please comment below what was helpful to you.



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