Dad: Habits, Attitudes and Beliefs of Helpful People

It's all about the HAB!  Today we are considering Habits, Attitudes, and Beliefs of Helpful People

Photo by Kid Circus on Unsplash

Habits:  Helpful people LOOK, LISTEN TO, and TOUCH others, both on a heart level and physically with kindness.  Their presence is invaluable.  They are observant, don’t interrupt (unless it’s culturally acceptable to), and are affectionate.  They consistently ask themselves, especially if they believe in God, “What does this person need?”  “What are some things I might do to help in this situation?”  They combine past experience with the current need and want to help whether they know exactly what action to take or not. Empathy is helpful.  NOT advising is helpful when someone is struggling or complaining or otherwise feeling stuck.  If they ask for advice, offer it, but if not, a helpful habit of action is to just be with the person you are trying to help.  Sometimes simply bearing witness and saying, “I see you are suffering” or “This is hard, and I’m sorry you are feeling so much.  I’m here for you.” is best. It is honest and will leave an impression on the person who is suffering.  Perhaps we underestimate our presence and feel the need to fill awkward emotions, tough times, and others’ frustrations with our words and experience.  Empathy is helpful because it helps us to pause and see and feel.  

In addition, asking questions can be very helpful.  Everyone is different, so we don’t want to overuse questions, but asking questions that indicate our care and value for the other is a critical habit of the helpful.  Cognitive Coaching trains its participants in a powerful protocol of pause - paraphrase - question - listen to the response - pause - paraphrase - question (and the cycle can go on and on).  This is so powerful!  So I’d like to share what I learned here briefly about this template for asking questions.  Questions followed by much-needed think time signal that we are serious about being present to the problem.  Pausing is awkward but critical.  If people trust us they will respond to the question.  We allow their burst of sharing in response to the question, then pause again, breaking eye contact, and attempt a paraphrase in one of three categories: 

Acknowledge and Clarify: Use this to validate content and emotions being shared. (“So you are worried that your brother doesn’t like you because he said ‘Go away.’”)

Classify and Categorize: When there is a lot of content in the burst of sharing, it may help to first sort the speaker’s ideas into categories (“So, there are three issues: the bills, the arguments, and the work-life balance issue.” or “You’re mad for two reasons; 1. because he made a face at you and 2. He said ‘Go away’ in a mean tone of voice.”)

Shift the focus:  We use this to get the speaker to think more or less abstractly, moving them toward or away from concreteness and details. To move to the more concrete we might say, “You’re hurt mostly about his tone” or to move into more abstract thinking, we might paraphrase “You’re focused on your relationship with him, not just today’s problem.”

For more on Pausing, Paraphrasing, and Questioning, consider buying the book, Cognitive Coaching, or enrolling in Cognitive Coaching training.

Photo by Wil Amani on Unsplash

Attitudes: Helpful people consistently feel and practice feeling what others feel.  By listening and visualizing, they imagine the experiences of people about whom they care.  Listening, body language, and tone show care when they’re used in relationships with others.  Empathy is helpful, again, as a pattern of feeling because it is allowing feelings to simply be there, in the mix.  We don’t cover feelings with sarcasm or advice.  That is an attitude of weakness and avoidance.  Empathy is a pattern of feeling to show care for another, with only one interest: To be there for the object of your empathy.  If our sons and daughters want advice, and we have an attitude of empathy, they will ask for advice when they need it.  However, if we do not consistently practice empathy and default to advising or comparison or diminishment of feelings in those we love.  This video on empathy in which Brene Brown is the narrator is classic to support this attitude.  Bookmark it, put it on a playlist, but don't lose it! Worth watching and disucssing with any children over 8 years old in my opinion.  

Beliefs:  Helpful people have been trained to focus their minds on growing in observing others, making logical connections, and enhancing their practice of empathy by using their brains.  They notice others’ patterns.  They practice presence and find ways to take notes on the people they care for, which focuses their thinking on others.  They also believe helpfulness is a gift they can offer, not their sole responsibility or obligation.  If they believe in God, they know that God is the ultimate helper. Helpful people with helpful beliefs think often about how to set boundaries and how long their help should last.  They believe in their ability to grow in helpfulness.  Helpful people do not allow folks to dominate conversations, monologue, or otherwise take advantage of their presence.  They have a growth mindset about learning how to help different people and different people groups of which they are not a part.  They believe that helpfulness is a skill they can hone.  

For a very fascinating and stimulating read about our thinking about growth, I cannot recommend Carol Dweck's Mindset enough.  And there is now a recently released Mindset Workbook by Dweck as well!

To sum up, there is no magic sauce, no fixed category of person who is naturally helpful.  The good news is we can “work out” our minds to grow our helpfulness muscles in our hearts, mind, and body.

More blog content Mondays and Wednesdays, new podcasts Fridays.  Follow @maninmanyroles on Twitter.  Subscribe to email notifications using the button at the top of this page. Please comment below what was helpful to you. I will do my best to inspire you to live as a great father in many roles. 

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