Dad: Fixed vs. Growth Mindset

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Carol Dweck wrote an amazing book in 2006.  I highly recommend Mindset: The New Psychology of Success to all parents. There are several sections on how to use language that promotes the character we would all be proud of: perseverance, growth, and that our kids can accomplish truly great things as they continue to work hard. 

I had a chance to really coach my son the other night. He was bragging that a kid in his class didn't know the difference between long A and short A.  My wife and I called him out on the bragging and he started to shut down as we discussed the issue, pushing into why he was bragging about this issue and elevating himself. As we did he muttered something that sounded pretty negative. He sounded like he was maybe even cussing??!!  In the moment we kind of jumped to conclusions that he was being disobedient or lying in response to our questions and probing. He was clearly stuck. And we were getting pretty heated.

So, a couple hours later I spoke with him alone in my office. Here's what surfaced. He didn't want his brother to know that he struggles at reading, and when we were "interrogating" him, he was disappointed in his reading progress. He thought he should have been outta that group weeks ago and that he should either instantly be a "good reader" or that he should progress daily. What he muttered was that he couldn't even get better weekly. It was his tone and the context that made us think he was being super nasty. Fact is, he was totally stuck in a fixed mindset, and his mind was telling himself: I am a bad reader. I am not progressing fast enough. I should not be in a group with other students who have reading struggles. I will look bad if my little brother overhears this conversation.  The fixed mindset made him freeze, along with our reaction to his bragging.  

But here's the thing. My son didn't have the language for the "stuckness" he was feeling.  When I explained the difference between fixed and growth mindset, his mood lightened a bit. He was surprised there was a word for this and an alternative. Now there was no drama. I was offering interpretation.  He and I not only discussed this mindset issue but we also thought about his little brother. If his little bro is nosy it's not to make fun, it's just to be in the know.  And my older son is the hero to my younger son. We thought about this together, as I coached my eldest with questions like, "Who did you look up to when you were five? Would you care if they didn't read so well?  Did you even ask them what reading group they were in?"

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Cognitive Coaching works and it's hard work, whether you are the coach or "coachee":  Cognitive coaching is a reflective style of coaching that employs, among other things, Open ended questions, pausing after the client (in this case our kids) answer, and paraphrasing their emotions or values, then looking for our child to sign off and go quiet, or to keep talking.  Either way, whether the response is sarcastic laughter, tears or silence, we are doing our job by showing up and listening as best we can.  This kind of desire to understand in action shows deep respect.  So the questions in the paragraph above were used in a Cognitive Coaching way, not a rapid fire set of questions.

My son said it helped him to know about the fixed and growth mindsets and to know that his brother loved him no matter what.  We now have vocabulary when he gets stuck, and he learned this new vocabulary in a nurturing caring environment that helps him arrange his world.  As dads our language is helpful, and there are plenty of resources to help us be best dads we can.  

I hope you return to to this blog every Monday Wednesday--I have a lot to share, and I pray it will help you and I to grow well in our many roles.

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